Embracing my dark side part 2

Here is what happened after I posted the previous message.

I was debating strongly about if I would give back the ounce of weed to my friend or not. I really wanted to keep it at first, but a part of me felt guilty about it. As I was calming down and feeling better, the answer came clear to me: I had to give it back. I had all kinds of arguments coming to my mind about why I should, and finally gave it up.

I realized that this dark side of me that I embraced had good things to bring and teach me. I was able for the first time in my life to put my well-being first, to choose myself upon someone else. I have to take better care of myself, physically and emotionally. I spent about an hour removing black heads from the skin of my face. I couldn't believe it. I never want this to happen again, it makes no sense. My skin was super dry all over, face, hands, body. I ran to the drugstore have some moisturizing lotion for all 3 and proceeded to apply promptly once back home. It felt divine, rubbing my skin all over with some fresh, soothing lotion was a wonderful massage.

After that, I put on some dubstep and laid on my bed under the blankets and comforters and relaxed. I had hallucinations of dancing cactus, skulls, snakes and desert scenes and felt this hot, dry heat all over me. Lady of the Desert appeared to me and melted my inner light and my inner shadow together, both sides being harmonized for the first time.

I fell asleep for a short moment, when Jonathan came in my room (I guess my roommate let him come in) and woke me up. I wasn't so happy about it, but welcomed him in anyways and talked for a bit. Since I was naked under the blankets I asked him to go out for a bit, dressed up promptly and took the ounce of weed out of its hiding place. I let him in again, gave him his ounce back, we talked a bit again then I asked him to leave my place. I didn't call him back since, except to have back the monocle he borrowed to me.

I feel wonderful since this trip, surprisingly. This dark side of me wanted and needed to be accepted for a long time and it finally been. Until that trip, I was always denying and repressing it, which was causing much harm to my whole being. I was always thinking about others first, sometimes to the point I neglected my own needs and desires. I was trying to please everybody and make everybody happy, by being sweet, funny and friendly all the time. It didn't work, somebody wasn't happy: me. I was so stressed out, worrying about what people were thinking of me or my looks, if they liked me or not, etc.

No more.

This time is over, finally, thanks to Lucy.

Embracing my dark side.

This is a strange trip that's not ending yet, but I needed to vent about it.

I had 2 excellent tabs of lsd, which are still acting as I'm typing this. This trip was intense, painful but enlighting, there was so many choices, so many crossroads, so many deceptions followed by a deep and genuine happiness and weel-being. I decided to let go many useless beliefs and people that drag me down and start afresh.

And Jonathan is one of them. I don't wanna hang out with him anymore.

Now.

And for good.

I have neglected myself too much. I didn't care about the red flags rising along the road, about how of a horrible person he really is deep down inside. He was so clingy, he has no respect, for himself or anyone, he pretends he's happy, spiritual, intelligent, mature and kind when he's not, and I really can't stand that.

The trouble started yesterday, long before the trip, already the ambiance was awful but I kept going. Unfortunately he didn't handle his trip well, and that was the final drop. He took 4 tabs of the same very strong lsd I had, which is way too much. With me tripping balls and laughing all the time, the changes of music and the new light system, he started badtripping, but so much it was disgusting. At a moment he was puking and snorting on himself and he was in such a crappy mood I started to feel bad too. I had one thing in mind: leave. So I did. I chose to stand up for myself and intentionally let him down in his mad mess, alone, in order to take care of myself. I also chose to bring back home the ounce of weed he just bought as a compensation.

I looked at him in the eyes while he was trying to crawl on the floor in my direction and puking again before leaving.

Oh the pain.

At this moment, I knew what it was like to break someone's soul and rip it off to sheds.

I loved it.

I embraced this dark side of me and loved it too.

I completely assume what I've done last night because it was fair. It had to happen. Sometimes, your role in someone's life is to give them a huge and really harsh reality check.

But boy was I scared when I left! It was a truly scary situation, at a moment Jonathan had no more self-control and his behavior was so weird it could have been dangerous for me and him, mostly him. Going back home was the good thing to do, it prevented so much drama from happening.

Now that I think about all this I can't stop laughing.

My bad.

I'm always gonna be impressed about how I make things turn my way easily.

What a good way to start a New Year.