Embracing my dark side part 2

Here is what happened after I posted the previous message.

I was debating strongly about if I would give back the ounce of weed to my friend or not. I really wanted to keep it at first, but a part of me felt guilty about it. As I was calming down and feeling better, the answer came clear to me: I had to give it back. I had all kinds of arguments coming to my mind about why I should, and finally gave it up.

I realized that this dark side of me that I embraced had good things to bring and teach me. I was able for the first time in my life to put my well-being first, to choose myself upon someone else. I have to take better care of myself, physically and emotionally. I spent about an hour removing black heads from the skin of my face. I couldn't believe it. I never want this to happen again, it makes no sense. My skin was super dry all over, face, hands, body. I ran to the drugstore have some moisturizing lotion for all 3 and proceeded to apply promptly once back home. It felt divine, rubbing my skin all over with some fresh, soothing lotion was a wonderful massage.

After that, I put on some dubstep and laid on my bed under the blankets and comforters and relaxed. I had hallucinations of dancing cactus, skulls, snakes and desert scenes and felt this hot, dry heat all over me. Lady of the Desert appeared to me and melted my inner light and my inner shadow together, both sides being harmonized for the first time.

I fell asleep for a short moment, when Jonathan came in my room (I guess my roommate let him come in) and woke me up. I wasn't so happy about it, but welcomed him in anyways and talked for a bit. Since I was naked under the blankets I asked him to go out for a bit, dressed up promptly and took the ounce of weed out of its hiding place. I let him in again, gave him his ounce back, we talked a bit again then I asked him to leave my place. I didn't call him back since, except to have back the monocle he borrowed to me.

I feel wonderful since this trip, surprisingly. This dark side of me wanted and needed to be accepted for a long time and it finally been. Until that trip, I was always denying and repressing it, which was causing much harm to my whole being. I was always thinking about others first, sometimes to the point I neglected my own needs and desires. I was trying to please everybody and make everybody happy, by being sweet, funny and friendly all the time. It didn't work, somebody wasn't happy: me. I was so stressed out, worrying about what people were thinking of me or my looks, if they liked me or not, etc.

No more.

This time is over, finally, thanks to Lucy.

Embracing my dark side.

This is a strange trip that's not ending yet, but I needed to vent about it.

I had 2 excellent tabs of lsd, which are still acting as I'm typing this. This trip was intense, painful but enlighting, there was so many choices, so many crossroads, so many deceptions followed by a deep and genuine happiness and weel-being. I decided to let go many useless beliefs and people that drag me down and start afresh.

And Jonathan is one of them. I don't wanna hang out with him anymore.

Now.

And for good.

I have neglected myself too much. I didn't care about the red flags rising along the road, about how of a horrible person he really is deep down inside. He was so clingy, he has no respect, for himself or anyone, he pretends he's happy, spiritual, intelligent, mature and kind when he's not, and I really can't stand that.

The trouble started yesterday, long before the trip, already the ambiance was awful but I kept going. Unfortunately he didn't handle his trip well, and that was the final drop. He took 4 tabs of the same very strong lsd I had, which is way too much. With me tripping balls and laughing all the time, the changes of music and the new light system, he started badtripping, but so much it was disgusting. At a moment he was puking and snorting on himself and he was in such a crappy mood I started to feel bad too. I had one thing in mind: leave. So I did. I chose to stand up for myself and intentionally let him down in his mad mess, alone, in order to take care of myself. I also chose to bring back home the ounce of weed he just bought as a compensation.

I looked at him in the eyes while he was trying to crawl on the floor in my direction and puking again before leaving.

Oh the pain.

At this moment, I knew what it was like to break someone's soul and rip it off to sheds.

I loved it.

I embraced this dark side of me and loved it too.

I completely assume what I've done last night because it was fair. It had to happen. Sometimes, your role in someone's life is to give them a huge and really harsh reality check.

But boy was I scared when I left! It was a truly scary situation, at a moment Jonathan had no more self-control and his behavior was so weird it could have been dangerous for me and him, mostly him. Going back home was the good thing to do, it prevented so much drama from happening.

Now that I think about all this I can't stop laughing.

My bad.

I'm always gonna be impressed about how I make things turn my way easily.

What a good way to start a New Year.

Feeling lucky.

I am trying to catch back my breath and assimilate one of the greatest and most intense experiences I've ever had. I just went through a night of crazy, hardcore partying, dancing, drinking and deep, intense positive feelings.

It all began when my girlfriend called to dump me. I was devastated, I called pretty much everybody I know to hang out or something, but I didn't hear of anyone. More devastated, I started the drinking binge on a really motivated note. Once I was seriously drunk, I tried to callback everybody again and left voice messages to a few people. I get to drink more and decided to go to a rave.

Here I go, pink fluffies, silver leggings, short black skirt, long pink and red tank top, red shirt, huge red ponytail bow and my yellow smiley backpack. At the second I walked into the venue I stumbled upon my friend Helene, whom I didn't see for more than a year. We started talking and got to smoke a joint, then I came across Rod, who told me he had E and acid for sale. Candyflipping sounded like a good idea, so I bought one of each, then took them promptly. I was in the party for only 30 minutes and was already heavily intoxicated.

We decided to go on the dancefloor and kick it in, then chill on the couches and smoke weed, then more dancing and so on. Until I started not to feel too good. The E and acid were starting to take full effect and I had a sudden nausea. I grabbed Helene by the arm and told her I had to go to the bathroom cause I wasn't feeling well. There was a huge line-up and people were taking forever to have a pee and fill their water bottles, so we had to go somewhere else. We wandered in the venue, first Helene's idea was to go out, but while walking the nausea became too intense and I knew I couldn't make it.

I had to throw up.

Now.

I had no better option, so I threw up on a pile of garbage bags. How trash. I calmed down, had some water and took deep breaths of fresh air, then felt way better.

And then, boy I was high!

It was one of those purges psychedelics can cause at the beginning of the trip, to get bad things out of your body. I compare that to an initiation phase, a test you have to pass before having access to the beauty and medicine the substance has to offer. The same thing happened to me first time I had HBWR, San Pedro cacti and kratom, but it was the first time I had a purge on acid. It was short, but hella intense, and then I was done. The rest of the night, I felt terrific. I danced my ass off to the awesome dubstep, hardtek and hardcore the DJ's were playing, I met really cool new people and catched back with the friends I see less often, cracked jokes all around, smoked some more and rested when needed.

At the end of the party another friend, Jonathan, offered me a lift to go chill at his place after the party. His offer was much appreciated because I was beaten up at that point, he just moved to his new place, which is a few cross-streets from my place. Plus, my roommate is a straight-edge. Having another place to sober down and rest a bit before going back home is always sweet in that case. He lives in a small but cozy 2-rooms apartment facing south with a lot of large windows. In one of the rooms, he made a psychedelic chill room, with nothing else than persian rugs, huge beanbags, cushions, mirrors, candleholders and decoration. My friend decided to burn some sage, we smoked a joint and chilled a moment before taking a much-needed nap.

Until then, my trip was fantastic. Then I went back home and looked at my MSN, that stayed open the whole time I was out. I had the surprise to see I had tons of messages from friends about the voicemails I left them, some of them really worried about me. Hopefully there wasn't any drama so it was easy to fix up. I was touched to see so many people were truly loving and caring for me, I feel blessed to have such good friends.

I am lucky.